This post has been in the making for a long time. But it took some thought before I could decide whether or not to post it. The whole point of this blog is to resist wasting our words. To me, for me to waste my words would be anything, written or spoken, that’s not in step with the gospel or geared toward building others up to pursue Christ more vigorously. So is this a waste of words? Absolutely not. This is me coming to tear myself down, in the hopes of building you up. I want to publicly humble myself, and that is certainly not a waste of words.
I realize there will be two responses to this. Some of you will hopefully be encouraged and built up. And for those, I thank you for the grace you show me that allows you to rejoice in what God is doing in me. But I also know I might get some backlash for this. I’m okay with that; I’ve prepared myself for it. I realize there may be a lot of eyes rolled at the end of this post. But let me warn you, you’re on dangerous ground. In order to hold a grudge against someone, you have to see yourself as morally superior to them. Welcome to pride. Be careful how you read this.
The biggest means God used to save me was through study. To keep it short, all of my life I thought that I knew Christ, when in reality I believed in some ethereal Jesus I had always heard about. Because of only hearing of him and not actually knowing him, I had no foundation of truth. It was almost this mystic Christianity. I had plenty “warm fuzzies” to point to, but none of them came from an actual knowledge of who God is. After realizing this, I was encouraged by a brother to go and study. Go and seek; go build up that foundation of truth and pray the Spirit would come and blow you up. And He did. After about 2 months of dull, dry gathering of kindling, the Holy Spirit came and ignited everything I had been learning. Finally, the new birth occurred. I could see and savor the saving merits of Christ Jesus.
I don’t regret any of that. I shouldn’t regret any of that. But it’s what came after that I’m here to apologize for. Just for a timeline’s sake, this was August of 2009. I was just moving up to Denton and getting into college. After seeing what God could do with the little bit of truth I had come across, I wanted more. I wanted to know and soak up all I could. From this came a lot of growth, intellectually at least. I began to build up this reservior of knowledge, and began to look on it with pride. I understood things very quickly and could grasp some difficult things. I looked down on those who didn’t have that same capacity to understand as if they were lesser. They were second-hand citizens in the kingdom of God. It’s for this that I apologize. I hurt some of you, and I ruined a lot of meaningful relationships. When my tongue should of been salivating with grace, I began to spit the poison of condemnation. I made some of you feel lesser. You are a fellow heir with me. We are both adopted children of God. But I treated you as the outcast in the family. I may even of made you feel as though God didn’t quite love you as much because you weren’t as quick to understand. It was a disgusting display of pride and clear evidence that I myself didn’t understand the things I came across. I spoke of the doctrines of grace with zero grace. It wasn’t just a contradiction, it was a blatant sin against God and against you. I’m here to confess these things to you and to ask for your forgiveness. I hate that I can’t make it clear enough how sorry I am. I was an ignorant, loud mouthed fool dishonoring the grace God had shown both of us. For that, I’m sorry.
There a couple things I wanna make clear before I close this out. This is not me inviting you to my pity party. Pity?? What do I have to feel self-pity about? God has still forgiven me for these things. Christ, the eternal Son of God who “is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature” (Hebrews 1:3), has given up his life for me. He’s saved me. I’ve been bought with the blood of Christ. Adopted, sonship, an “[heir] of God and fellow [heir] with Christ.” (Romans 8:17). You have no reason to feel pity for me. I’m not asking for your pity, I’m wanting joy. Joy in that we serve a God who is continually patient in our pride, yet shows his might in bringing down the eyes of the haughty. Rejoice with me.
This could very easily be interpreted as boasting in humility. Excuse my poor writing here, but ppssshhhh. Any true humility that ANYONE has is created in us by God and God alone. It’s a gift of grace that God gives us. It’s not something I could conjure up in myself. It’s been born from a clear vision of who God is and how low I really am. Besides, being prideful in humility is not humility. And prideful? What do I have to feel prideful for? I killed Jesus. I’m so wicked that it took the Son of God being tortured and killed to save me. The day I project myself on this blog is the day I’ll quit writing. I have nothing to proclaim in life except Christ and him crucified. It’s all I have to give, and it’s all I want to give.
Come Walk With Me
This wasn’t easy for me to write. Having to think again on the ways I’ve used theology to look down on God’s people and treat them as lesser Christians is not a fun experience. But in the end, this was a joyful experience. It’s been painful to think on just how sinful I have been and still am, but it’s life-giving to know Christ still covers me. Christ is deeper still. So come rejoice with me. I’d love to talk with some of you in person. This isn’t me hiding behind a keyboard so I don’t have to face you. I would love to talk with you if you have any questions or comments. So let’s do this. Let’s walk together. Not one standing over another, but side by side as we press on to know Christ Jesus in His fullness.